battle royale...with cheez!

inspired by a recent trip to the dirty south, where i was schooled in the majesty of a particular chicken shack and their delicious & cleverly named food, i got to thinking...could this modest house of poultry possible be superior to central pennsylvania's end-all-be all chainlet, sheetz? totally baffled by this question, i came to the only sensible conclusion...they should settle it in the ring.

(the scene shifts to a dingy, smoke filled coliseum where fat men and loose women inhabit the haphazardly arranged folding chairs surrounding a worn boxing ring. a man's raspy voice rings out over the crowd as he shouts into a bullhorn)

"fighting out of the red corner...the young upstart from the south, mixing artery hardening food with clever wordplay...zaxby's!

and in the blue corner...the undisputed champion from the keystone state, who can incorporate it's corporate identity into virtually any foodstuff. ladies and gentlemen, i give you sheetz!

this is a 6 round fight for the title of best fast food naming chain...in the world!

round 1: appetizers
zaxby's dominates the champ with their cleverly named zappetizers. sheetz can only muster a weak response in the form of a bavarian ham pretzel sandwich (which is very tasty but totally lacking in name-power).

round 2: sandwiches
sheetz quickly shakes the ring rust and gets it's legs back, walloping zaxby's with a bevy of bagelz & burgerz.

round 3: salads
the tide turns again with sheetz inexplicably failing to conjure something more than salads. i mean not even a saladz or shalads! zaxby's dominates the old vet with their brilliantly coined zalads!

round 4: breakfast
not to be out done, sheetz roars back and puts together it's best round. shmagelz, shmuffins, and shmiscuits hammer down on the overmatched rookie.

round 5: value meals
in an effort to save something for the final round, sheetz concedes the round to zaxby's and their meal dealz (the big zax snakz® meal swayed the judges).

round 6: beverages
in what can only be deemed a case of over-confidence, zaxby's prances about the ring, rubbing their virtual tummy as if to say they had defeated the old champ, while sheetz prepared one finalonslaughtt...fizz city! zaxby's was staggered and seemed ripe for a knock-out, only to be saved by the bell. sheetz was not going to have their title taken from them without one hell of a fight.

(the announcers voice carries across the hall, strained and raspy from calling the frenetic action)

"after 6 rounds of cholesterol fueled action we go to the scorecards. tonight's match has been ruled a draw! a draw!"

as you can imagine, pandemonium broke out. southern-fried gentlemen kicked and stomped the floor with their white bucks, while the state college cheerleading squad broke out with "...nuts and bolts, nut and bolts, we got screwed!" however, soon thereafter cooler heads prevailed and everyone realized that these two competitors were evenly matched and in the end it was determined, this country is big enough for two food chains that probably employe the same copywriter to construct their menu.